Cancel culture isn’t political correctness, it’s about accountability

Circles are important. They wrap around pentagrams, friendship cliques, and lily pads. They are also the thoughts that run my brain at full speed, connecting things or attempting to make good points, coming to full circle. But what does that mean? And how do you deal when things don't make sense, or don't come to full circle because the information is missing, or you just don't know what to do?

It was a Wednesday night during a chilly October. EMS arrives at the start of the show. What’s going on? The show is in full swing but everything seems so serious from the corner of my eye. Someone must be dying, why else are there nearly six medical emergency folks standing around looking concerned? In the background, you see a man gallivanting, frolicking really, in an out-of-this-world pace, having an I-am-on-something experience and bringing out the essence of the heavy metal music playing onstage. My friend and I burst out laughing. It was hard not to feel amused, EMT was looking for someone to save, and this dude was living his sky high dreams.

But when we started to look away, my eyes decided to come back to him and keep looking. Something felt off. Circles. He was frolicking in circles around two women standing close together, and a (second) guy who seemed to know them was around but wasn’t part of the frolicker’s circle run. It was as if he kept the other guy out of his rounded view intentionally, even though I later realized they were all there as a group.

First few rounds of circles, moving round and round, his body focused on the woman standing to the left. He was skipping around, running cute. Cute steps. Happy skips. Beard to his knees and a jacket that could poke your eyes out from the hard spikes, but he was in his happy element. It was harmless, as all things are in the beginning. 

The second and third rounds of skipping were a series of fast-steps and the same circle patterns. At this point things start to change. I am the only one who is noticing at this point, I am certain. 

Fourth round around the women, and he grabs her butt. She seemed somewhat surprised but also burst out laughing in a don’t-know-what-to-do so-I’ll-awkwardly-laugh kind of way - the way women tend to do. Did I just witness a sexual assault? No. It can’t be. His fifth round around them, he does the same thing, she seems a bit more uncomfortable, almost annoyed. But she still looks at him and smiles, like her safety plan was in motion or something. By the sixth circle around her, he goes all into her body, but she turned around to for a look into his eyes, almost a nonverbal signal to keep walking, buddy. He continues to circle with his hands back on his sides. 

What do I do? Do I stop it? She is still smiling and laughing with her friends. Do I go up there and block him? Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion. What if they are together and this was their way of being cute together? What if I’m understanding this all wrong? Being a bystander sucks, all I am doing at this point is being unhelpful. I am basically watching potential trauma unfold, watching as this piece of shit bother someone else and have an internal debate to whether is consensual or evil. The band is no longer my center of interest.

Smiles are confusing, but body language is not. By the seventh round, you can start to see that he is realizing what he is doing, because she turns around when she sees him coming from behind, to make sure he is not grabbing her butt, waist, or anything else without looking at her face first. She uses her friend as a shield, which works perfectly. Her male friend softly, yet finally, intervenes. Now circle dude is realizing that the male friend is realizing what he is doing. His movements change. 

Ninth circle around now, and he moves in for a kiss on the shoulder, no touching. Is that his way of apologizing? Gross. Tenth circle around, and the touching and talking and laughing turns into just a look. That’s it, the skips turn into large-stepped walks around her, just looking. Eleventh and twelfth round, same thing. Just looking at her. Almost like assessing his situation. Does he know he messed up? Or is he thinking he got away with it? Maybe he is just confused, or tripping and thinking about something completely different by now. His male friend was on to him, making sure things remain this at a good distance every time he came by. 

And on his very, very last lap around, he made it halfway. I’m not kidding. He made it halfway. Looking at her looking back at him, he didn’t even dare. He couldn’t. 

Cancel culture isn’t political correctness, it’s about accountability. And that’s how consent works. 

By then, I left for the restroom. By the time I came back, his male friend was jamming with him while the two women were finally free to jam on their own terms, comfortable in their own space. Why are male friends important? They are a sentiment for neutralizing situations, or stopping them altogether. 

In bystander intervention training, there are steps to reach a neutral outcome: 

1. Notice the event
2. Asses whether it’s a problem 
3. Feel responsibility for dealing with it 
4. Have the skills to act
   

Most people get stuck on the second step. Could I have taken this guy on? His tower of height, beer-belly big-muscles-compared-to-my-muscles of strength, intoxicated mindset? No. And the normalization of sexual assault triggers my indifference to step up, or step in. How can I improve future outcomes when I don’t even bother to intervene the first time? Why didn’t I at least go up to her and ask, HEY are you okay? Or is is he BOTHERING you? Infiltrate the circle somehow. She was with her friend, but that female-presenting friend didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe she did but she was on the same boat as me. Maybe she felt afraid, or indifferent. We need advocates better than me. 

 

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or visit their website to receive confidential support.