Walk her path, carry her blood, ignore her murder altogether: Kuwait mournes Farah #عزاء_النساء

As a collective community of women and allies who want to find solutions, we are consistently slapped by someone’s close-enough-to-smell-your-breath distance with their barrage of words, "Stop before you get in trouble," or "This isn't your problem, we don't suffer from that here." 

So we lose our voices again, too afraid to respond, my fear fueled by ignorance. So I am back where I started, nowhere. 

Like a cringe car crash that didn't need to happen, some of us have no choice but to pretend everything is just great, because being jailed is the alternative. In a country that pretends to have plenty of freedom, the mere notion of perceived negative criticism is viewed harshly; unpatriotic. Because really, all we should think about is how grateful we should be. Turn your face away from the potholes, the corruption, the horror. None of that matters because you have everything you need and live in a safe and free community.

With the recent string of gender-based murders, the compromise of a “safe” and “free” community is now challenged, with the loudest people working overtime to hide the breathing elephant under the rug of a room with no oxygen. You think that elephant will sit still?

In this situation with the help of social media tools like Twitter and Clubhouse, some have spoken out, some have ignored the topic altogether, and the rest soak up their superiority-complex ideals of empty-minded pretend awesomeness. This is a perfect country, why are people complaining? The voice of privilege is the master narrator of pretend wisdom. Be critical? Voice your concerns? Absolutely not. As women, we are taught time and time again where our place is.

He tells me he picked the best rose so I wouldn’t have to get my hands dirty in the mud or prick my finger with a thorn, while I see him blocking the entrance to a garden with all sorts of flowers that I would love to pick for myself. I don't like roses.

With no real public presence or representation, there are other things some like to concern themselves with when the idea of being murdered by your stalker in front of your sister and children is just too much to comprehend. Am I beautiful according to the standards set forth? Am I respectable the way he likes it? Am I quiet? These are the gendered attributes that set to kill us in the first place. These toxic ideas seep through the murderer’s story: Did she know him? What did she do to make him act this way?

I still want to be part of the solution within a timely revolution, and not misguided by the fear that fuels my ignorance. Not held close by the grip of fear that paralyzed our generations to do anything about it.

For years, volunteer groups and outspoken advocates fought to get a law against family violence that specifically protects women into parliament for a vote. At the same time, work was underway to establish a path for women to assume the new role as judges in criminal and civil cases, a profession not allowed for women explicitly.

It’s not about radical change. Sometimes, it’s the gateway change that brings in even more change. That’s key, because change is difficult and uncomfortable. And when one gateway change pulls in the next, you come to a point where the next thing creates a raging machine that disrupts your fear of staying silent, you can’t afford to do that anymore.

Sometimes the progress of one aspect of the public space will create a gateway into pointing fingers at new flaws that enough people did not notice before the new change took into effect. A gateway change is when a certain policy is used to elevate an improvised condition, but at the same time reign in new findings that spotlight faults in other existing policies that contradict the change.

How is it that women can now be judges, but still cannot sign off on any medical procedures for their children (or themselves even) without their male guardian’s permission? How is it that women can process travel and passport documentation at the local service ministries, but cannot renew their own passports without a male guardian physically present if they are under the age of 35? How is that women are practically brainwashed their entire lives to raise, care for and bare children but are not legally allowed to adopt children if they wanted to? Or cannot sign them up for school, or give birth in a hospital without a husband's signature? How is it that gender-based murderers who kill time and time again are literally protected by the law? There is a clear pattern of what this all ties into. I’m not going to spell it out.

The penal code treats some “honor” crimes as misdemeanors and sentences light penalties. The law states that a man who sees his wife, daughter, mother, or sister in the “act of adultery” and immediately kills her or the man with whom she is committing adultery faces a maximum punishment of three years’ imprisonment and a fine of 225 Kuwaiti Dinar KD ($700).

A hospital recently had its fair share of a blood bath at its door. Fatima was a Sunni who wanted to marry a Badawi, and while I’m not a fan of using these terms to describe people, these descriptors matter in the context of this story. Kuwaitis are typically taught at a young age that our “one blood” heritage ends at the start of a religious or cultural difference. At that point, it’s nothing more than a cordial nod, and marriage is absolutely out of the question. But Fatima fought for this, for a long time probably, and her dad eventually agreed to proceed. And she did!

Fatma’s brothers were livid. One of the two, AbdulHadi, decided to take matters into his own hands for the fate of his “family honor” and take a gun shot to her head. She should have died, but she miraculously survived after being sent to the ER and then under observation in the ICU. Out of nowhere, her other brother, Naser, showed up in the hospital’s unit and decided to “finish the job” his brother AbdulHadi did not complete. Four shots fired directly to the existing wound, she died. He walked away. It was later reported that she was also pregnant.

There were witnesses to this very clearly committed offense, but no court charges or proceedings have been made. Will he serve any time in prison? Realistically speaking, unlikely.

What made this crime different form the rest is the fact that it happened in a very public space, a hospital of all spaces! In front of witnesses and bystanders, in what was supposed to be a safe place of healing and recovery. The same can be said to why Farah’s case exploded. Naser cannot argue his way out of the blame, but under a court system that values society’s males over anything else, his odds look good for him.

I wonder how scared she must have felt living with monsters disguised as brothers? And to tragically (and very publicly) go by the hands of your own family member whose fragility was depended on your perceived reputation? I can comprehend this, but I still ask why. This is not an honor killing, this is a murder, a crime. There is no honor in killing. She leaves behind a husband and a one year old son.

Farah Akbar’s murder was orchestrated by a lurker. He followed her everywhere. He installed a GPS tool in her car to keep track. He came to her home to declare his request to marry her, only to find out she was already married with children (8 and 9 years old). He was later seen coming to her car yet again, stabbing her in front of her daughter, kidnapping her, taking her dead body to the front door of the hospital, and walking away.

Farah’s sister was a lawyer. She tried on many occasions (for months) to sue the stalker on the basis of proof of his threats to kill. She was not taken seriously. She was shushed. She was told to come back if and when he actually did something.

She spoke up. You ignored her. His violence was proven. You excused him. We buried her, and you keep saying “Stop overreacting.”

These horrific murders represents more than just uphill battles, and nothing short of hell. But when I see women talking about not being heard, I believe them the first time. This is not the first crime against women who were at no fault, but we digress; stop killing us.

 

لكل النساء اللي عرفنا اساميهم واللي ضاعت قصتهم بيد الظالم الذكوري